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Thursday, December 30, 2004
~ Moving on, Giving up & Letting go ~

Wrting from my “Pink Diary”

December 30, 2004 2340 – 0330 December 31, 2004

Thursday – Rizal Day – Friday early dawn of December 31, 2004

Entry - After a year and two months….

 

Heavenly Father,

            Let your name be praise and be adore…truly you are God..Oh my God, my living God…So merciful, so loving, so compassionate, and ever gracious God of Abrahan, Jacob and David. Let honor and praise be yours forever and ever. There is none like You. Lord thank you so much for everything..to my life, my family, relatives, friends and most of all to what I have become now after the storm…

            It’s been awhile that my life is on struggle…struggle to go on and moving on..struggle to open up and giving up…struggle to trust people…struggle to surrender all that I needed to be lifted up to you oh Father…my hurts and pains…and most of all..struggle to pick up the broken pieces of me and my life back…Lord, I am so thankful that I have overcome all of these and these are made possible through grace, mercy and through your unfailing love….Your unfailing love covers me again….

Psalm 143:8

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

For I have put my trust in you.

Show me that way I should go

For to you I lift up my soul.

Mark 9:23

Every thing is possible for him who believes..

Matthew 19:26

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible..

The last writing in this diary of mine was last year October 26, 2003 (Sunday)…and only now I come back again to continue all what happened …the trials was still so intense…the hurts and pains was still there carried over from what happned last year…my life long questions….the un-answered questions still there floating into my mind …looking and seaching for the answers…no solutions and nobody could help me up to solved this…Oh Lord, I’m begging you to please have these questions answered…sigh…Lord my heart cries out for ‘HELP’…..

Psalm 142

1 I cry aloud to the Lord;

I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.

2 I pour out my complaint before him;

Before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,

It is you who know my way…….

4 Look to my right and see;

no one is concerned for me.

I have no refuge;

No one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, O Lord;

I say, “You are my refuge,

My portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,

For I am in desperate need…….

Lord I cannot do this alone but with you on my side….I can do all things who strengthens me…..

After the death of Yani happened….It was not hidden from you O Lord on how much the pain and the sadness it brought me…I am not angry with you or to anybody…I am hurt not because of Yani left me but because on what He has left me…pain and sadness it enveloped my heart upon knowing things that has been hidden from me…..I have been faithful to him and looked to no one but him (Yani). Forgive me Lord that during the time when he is still alive..I seem not to notice you and that all my attention was fixed unto him. That I have loved him so much that I almost forgot you O Lord…forgive me…You as my first love….forgive me Lord…that I forgot the reason I live is to worship You…Oh my God please forgive me on this…

Psalm 27

7 Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you. “seek his face!”

Your face, Lord I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,

do not turn your servant away in anger;

Do not reject me or forsake me,

O God my Saviour.

  Sadness fills my Christmas as well as my New Year of 2003 and I am so scared and so afraid on what is waiting to me for the next coming years,,,now that I am alone…now that Yani is not here anymore to support and guide me….Forgive me Lord that I never think of You…yet I continue to hope and pray…..hope and pray on the things that lies ahead of me….

Psalm 116

3 The cords of death entangled me,

the anguish of the grave came upon me

I was overcome by trouble and sorrow…

God please forgive me not realizing that you’ll stay with me until my very last day in this earth…

Matt. 28: 20….and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age…

 

A brief sharing and highligths

 

 Still in the year of 2003, November…my life continues to do it’s daily routine…I don’t feel that I am alive…as if I’m doing this because I am alive…I don’t feel life itself….I don’t feel that there is something good that will happen….but I never lose hope…though full of pain, sadness and questions I continue to live….but I don’t feel life itself into me….

Psalm 88

2 May my prayer come before you,

turn you ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of trouble

and my life draws near to the grave

Before the month ended I was promoted to handle new project which is “Fedex Aunstralian Customer Service Calls”… was transferred to Makati in beginning of December 2004..I felt so sad leaving my batch mate behind…I can’t do anything but to obey….my job went well and in the 4th month of the following year ..I was awarded as the best Cs Rep “Irate Pacifier of the month”…I never asked nor dreamed of that..all I want to do is to work..and work ..and work well..I never knew all the way that my work would gain credits….Lord I know it is you who made all of this…Thank you….I paid no attention to it…my mind is still occupied on the answers that I’m longing to have…I am still searching on the answers that has been raised up a long time ago…Lord, I’m asking you why?? Why does he has to died? Why does things should happened this way? Why him? Why not other men who knew you not? And why me? Why me that has to feel this way and why not others who has done wicked things in front of you in the broad daylight?....WHY?.... I don’t get any answers and it really made me so frustrated…..still searching..and seraching…and why until now it is still hidden from me…..

Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,

Do not ignore my plea;

2 Hear me and answer me.

My thoughts trouble me

and I am distraught

Oh my God please forgive me on this…that I have become impatient..please forgive me…that I have to trust you more than any one else…still I wait….I wait..I wait….

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God.

According to your unfailing love;

According to your great compassion

Blot out my transgression.

2 Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgression,

and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only , have I sinned

And done what is evil in your sight,

So that you are proved right when you speak

And justified when you judge….

I have visited christians sites….I visited several of those to find confidiante’ to share things with and get advises from…about these things that bothering me…still I am a total failure to find one who could give me insights and answer to my lifelong questions…still I am struggling to find the answers…Oh my God, would you still be giving an answer for all of these???.......I’m crying this out Lord….please have mercy on me and hear my plea over this…..please send me an answer or a person whom you could use to pacify this longing of my heart…

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But longing fulfilled is a tree of life….

After a month..another promotion again has given to me…I was promoted to handle all the open communication of PH Cs Reps globally…as a Trace Agent a heavy task was loaded into my ordinary way of work and I thanked you God for that…that it’ll occupy my mind and will be a good source to forget things out of my head…O my God, until when will I wait for the answers??...why there are delays on it Lord??.....You blesses with with a lot of promotions yet it is not my heart longs for…my heart desires for the answers…why I still don’t have it with me? Why Lord? Why?....I left the questions for awhile and busied my self to my new work and again it gained me another promotion….“I am still young and unexperienced in a lot of ways yet  You did not failed to give me blessings…you did not failed to shower me knowledge and wisdom…You oh my God..prosper the works of my hands…..I did not ask for these Oh God..I didn’t…what I am asking are the answers to all the questions since last year and yet until now I still don’t have them…Why O Lord? Why there are delays? Why?

Psalm 86

6 hear my prayer, O Lord;

listen to my cry for mercy.

7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you ,

for you will answer me.

I was taken out from the floor which I I really love..talking to aussies is already part of my everyday life and right now I don’t think I could still go on with these…no answers for almost a year now and right now I feel like I’m being deprived of those answers…Oh my God..how long will I wait…How long are you going to hide your face from me…how long will I still hang on those answers to be reveled to me…How long Oh Lord? How long???...Sigh…..

Psalm 40

1 I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and hear my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

And put their trust in the Lord.

October of 2004 arrived..a friend which I never heard of for quite sometime wrote me..this friend is not the friend that I ever wanted to have…he’s quite haugthy when things comes across with God…he’s not a confidiante’ that I’ve been praying for to have…I often got rebuke from him and he often hurted me with his reasonings, answers and sayings..

Proverbs 19:20

Listen to advice and accept instruction,

And in the end you will be wise.

Proverbs 17:10

A rebuke impresses a man of discernment

More than a hundred lashes a fool.

Proverbs 13:10

Pride only breeds quarrel,

But wisdoms is found in those who take advice.

I don’t hated him but I totally disliked him…on his last letter…I am really hurt on his reply about my insights and as well about my country and with that I have no plans at all to replied to his letter or even to get in touch to him anymore…O God, touch the heart of this person who is claiming to be a followers of yours yet doesn’t care at all if he offended and hurted somebody. Oh please O God be upon him…..O God..the year almost ended yet until now I still don’t get any clear answers for my questions….Oh God..pleas do not delay….please not….I’ll wait…I’ll wait..I’ll wait..

Psalm 130

5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

And in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

6 More than watchman

Wait for the morning,

More than watchman

Wait for the morning…

It’s almost seven months have passed that I haven’t logged in into my yahoo messenger and I really don’t know why all of a sudden I have to be online  with no particular reason at all…this friend saw me on-line and greeted me..it caused my eyebrows to raised and refused to answer him back but conviction crept into me and answered him back…I never knew that as days would passed by the answers that I’ve been searching and waiting would be revelaed to me using this friend of mine….I never knew…and for sure he , himself never know as well….God why through him? He that is on the other side of the earth…he that I don’t have any idea at all wha kind of a person he is…he that knew nothing about me….and most of all he that I really..really…really don’t like at all…Why him?

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in a man’s heart,

But it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

I got no answer about why him? The best part of it is that you have used him to answer my life long questions right before my eyes….I thank you Lord for that..thank you so much…most of the happenings took place in the month of November and December of this year…My eyes has been opened on the real essence of being a “Christian” and the moment which I won’t forget and made another event of my life on the eve of the 17th of the 12th of year 2004….I am “Converted” on my faith…being a christian is not just merely being save but being converted as well…..not only that..having fellowship sharpens me even more into You Lord…

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpen s iron

so one man sharpens another

Thank you so much for these Oh God…. Truly there is none like you…I have learned to open up as what the bible teaches in Provebs 28:13 He who concelas his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces then finds mercy….I have learned to surrender all that is needed of me as well as my plans in life..I have learned to trust you Oh my God..

Jeremiah 29:11-14

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

 “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

 plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,

and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me

when you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you declares the Lord….

Proverbs 20:23

A man’s steps are directed by the Lord

How then can anyone understand his own way?

Proverbs 14:27

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life

Turning a man from the snares of death.

Proverbs 2:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your paths straight.

And now Lord I have learned to pick up the broken pieces of my life back…Lord, It’s you who carried me all over so that I could stand all of these….

Psalm 147:3

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds…

Psalm 144:2

He is my loving God and my fortress,

my stronghold and my deliverer

Psalm 143:8,10

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

For I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go

 for to you I lift up my soul.

10 teach me to do you will,

for you are my God;

may your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

Psalm 140:6-7

O Lord, I say to you, “You are my God.”

Hear, O Lord, my cry for mercy.

O Sovereing Lord, my strong deliverer,

Who shields my head in the day of battle….

 Oh Lord, I thank you so much! Truly I am blessed on all of these….truly you are my living God….forgive me oh Lord for doubting and for being impatient..forgive me oh God…Forgive me…now let me learn to obey and trust your with all my heart…let me quote the song of Don Moen from his album “I will sing”…

Oh my soul do you not know?

Have you not heard?

It’s been told from the beginning

The Lord your God

Is on your side.

Oh my soul

Don’t be afraid

Trust in the Lord

By His righteouness and power

He will strengthen

He will Guide

And I will soar

On wings like eagle

Held by the hand of God

I will run and not grow tired

When on His name I call

For the Lord is never weary

His ways are beyond my thoughts

I will trust in Him with all my heart

And I will wait upon His promise…

~Patienly I’ll wait~

I thought this would be another year of mourning, crying, sadness and loneliness but I was wrong..It is another year of new life..new hope…a year where my lifelong questions has been answered….that is so many answers that I can’t contain it….a year were I was healed and learned a great deal about life….a year where I met wonderful friends and begin to walk again into the path leadeth to life…indeed 2004 is a year where I left behind all my pains and sufferring and a year where I have overcome all of those trials with God on my side. I thank you Lord…I cannot do these without you in my life…Surely I have a better hope for the coming years ahead of me..though I do not know what lies ahead of me but I’m lifting it all up to you oh Lord…you who knew me full well….

Psalm 139

1 O Lord, you have searched me

and you know me

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You dicern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord…..

I’m lifting up my everything….Thank you so much Lord…you are forever in my life..you see me through the season…Praises, Honour and Glory be Yours forever and ever…. Amen…

 

The year of 2004 was solely dedicated to my sovereign Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ..who lifted me up in times of troubles, pains, trails and suffereings…to my family who are always there to support me in all areas of my life…to my cell group whom added meaning to my life…to my church mates who continously prayed for me…to my friends old and new whom I dearly cherished and the last but not the least to my spiritual brother..my only Manong whom I always got rebuke and teaching and whom God uses to answer all my life long questions….all of you are forever part of my life….Let me share my sincerest thanks and appreciation to all of you…Thank you so much. To God be the glory for all of these….and I’m praying that may He bless you just like what He has blesses me….


Wholese,

 

Ezsie – “Star-Tariray”
 


Posted at Thursday, December 30, 2004 by Star-Tariray

 

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